Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
