Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
