she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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