Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
