Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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