Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize