....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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