This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
