I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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