The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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