but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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