My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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