dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
should my penis look like a turkey
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize