I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Randomize
