My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
