My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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