Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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