Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize