You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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