I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
