He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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