Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
