I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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