just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
