Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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