Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
