i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
