I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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