Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
