maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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