Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
