At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
