You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
