yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
