maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you inspire me to be a worse person
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
