i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
