I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
