I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
