things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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