You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she woke up with a sticky ear
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
