Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
