Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
