just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
