My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
