I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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