It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
