New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize