At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
