the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I wish there were birth control emojis
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize