oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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