I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
