i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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