and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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