i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
