Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
