as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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