his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
