So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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