I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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