Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
