she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
