dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize