Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
