everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
