Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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