i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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