I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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