it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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