Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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