on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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