My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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