does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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