I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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