Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
