Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
